3 Best Things About Being a Teenager.....

1) The Ramones



2) Masturbation



3) Bush Parties

Gayest thing I saw today....

LORD HELP US

I saw this gangsta uberloser on the bus with a shirt like this today. This one is actually cooler (if thats even fucking possible) than the one this idiot had on. WTF is the obsession with Scarface and dressing like giant babies? Dont they know he wanted to fuck his own sister? The guy did so much coke in that movie that the only thing Ones bowels are capable of after that is allowing One to shit like a garden hose turned on full blast. I guess thats why they wear fucking saggy ass pants like they do. They are basically diarrhea catchers.

Let me clear my throat...

Alright, you assholes. Let get this sorted out now, once and for all.
The meaning of global warming should not, NOT, be taken literally to the nth degree. If you dont know anything about something, before you go blahblahblahing your ignorant BS all over the place, take a minute to learn about what the hell you are talking about. Its common sense, unless, you actually want to sound like a total moron. If thats your bag, then have at it and also fuck off - I'm not interested.
So, lets have a lesson here, shall we? Alright then.
There are lots of complicated graphs and shit based on oodles of research regarding the earth's atomospheric temperature and what all that means overtime etc, etc. Dont fucking freak out, I'm not going to subject you to any of the complicated, intricate manifestations on the subject, so calm down.
Here is what you need to know:
Global warming is defined as an increase in the average temperature of the earth's atmosphere (especially a sustained increase that causes climatic changes). If you want to dispute or argue this definition, you can have a word with the folks at Princeton, who I'm pretty sure are smarter than you.
Now then. We know that its called "global warming" but that means its an OVERALL increase you fucktards, an average does not mean that we are now going to be subjected to boiling hot summer temperatures and balmy winters, instantaneously. Quit expecting that to happen. It makes you sound/look ignorant. The world is a huge fucking place if you hadnt already noticed. OK, OK - I'll give you credit for thinking that maybe global warming is not a particularly succinct phrase for what we are experiencing but, jeesus, do we have to spell it out for you? Do we have to go and call it Average Global Temperature Increase Mostly Up There or Global Weird Weather for you to get fucking educated on the topic? If I hear one more fucking redneck say something like "Global warming, yah right! Its June and there is frost on the ground, whats up with that?" I am going to become critical mass here and destroy you stupid bastards. OK, I am breathing in and I am going to explain this ONE TIME , so listen up.
An average atmospheric temerature increase fucks shit up all over the place, especially if it extends over a long period of time. It causes changes in the ocean (DUH), which causes changes in currents and weather patterns. It contributes to melting of polar icecaps etc. It is not meant to be taken literally, like, oh, Global Warming means good news for Winnipeg - it'll be warmer here and shorter winters STARTING RIGHT FUCKING NOW. Ok geniuses, I ask you - is that what we're experiencing? No. Its screwing with everything overall, over sustained periods of time. So before you go burning us all in hell with your awesome temperature increases in summer and short, pleasant winters, READ A BOOK about it or use your fucking computer to find out more. Don't tell me you cant cause you're reading my rant here so I know you have a basic knowledge of the innerweb. USE IT FOOLS.
If you cant say anything correct, dont say anything at all. Or go ask your Mum.

Over and out, gaylords.

PS FYI: These are funny. Whe you say shit like this, its not.

• Media mogul Ted Turner said that global warming would turn us into cannibals.
• Scotland’s Daily Mirror has reported that the Lock Nest Monster (Nessie) may be dead because of global warming.
• The Associated Press has reported that global warming will cause an increase in the price of beer.
• According to USAToday.com, giant pythons – big enough to eat alligators and people in a single mouthful – will be living in one-third of continental U.S. as a result of global warming.
• The Globe and Mail reported that there will be an increase in people with kidney stones over the next 30 years because of global warming.
• The Guardian reported that whales are significantly skinnier because of global warming.
• The Guardian reported that an increase in fatal shark attacks was the result of global warming.
• CNSNews.com reported that the 1993 crash of a U.S. military helicopter in Mogadishu (”Black Hawk Down”) should be blamed on global warming.
• National Geographic reported that baby penguins froze to death in July because of global warming.
• The Daily Mail reported that killer stingrays will invade the beaches of England because of global warming.

Movies about snakes are stupid

I call bullshit on movies about giant snakes. They're just stupid.
I submit the following examples:

Two words: Tara Reid. nuff said.



The only way the above could possibly be any worse is in a senario like: giant snake versus a washed up LA rapper and a delusional pop diva/actress (whose performance in other screen jems like Gili were the stuff nightmares are made of).
Its also stars Jon Voight, Owen Wilson and Eric Stoltz. Wow! Its like watching an actor's professional life explode before your very eyes! AND its a SERIES. A FUCKING SERIES ABOUT GIANT SNAKES! WHAT???!!!
P.S. They just made a 4th one!


Uh ok. If it wasnt already gay enough for you, this one is about a giant, ancient ice snake. Laying in wait. Christ.


OOOOOHHHH, look! Its the battle royale of the worst CGI ever.
GET READY TO RUMBLE. Wrestlemania fans can BLOW ME.


Yeah. ok, already. We get it. THEY WERE A GIANT MAN MADE MISTAKE.
A bit preachy, no?


Just released to video - directly!
Luke Perry! Tom Beringer! All I can do with this one is just laugh my ass off.
I bet these guys are drunk in a bar right now bawling about how shitty this movie is and the fucking pathetic state of their careers.


And...the piece de resistance:


Whatever shred of cred Samuel L. had, he flushed down the crapper with this piece of shit. Arguably, it was already long gone, but this is the clincher. No amount of yelling MOTHERFUCKER at everyone is going to save him now.

Cupcake? Fuck off, already.

Seriously, can everyone just calm down? Its just a fucking cupcake! I dont have anything against cupcakes as a legit dessert option; they're kinda nice at a birthday party, but for fuckssakes! DO WE NEED WHOLE STORES DEVOTED TO THEM? What are they, a religion or something? Lets just get this shit under control people. I'm serious. Its a cupcake. Its not the best thing since sliced bread. I mean, look at these bloody headlines! A bit overboard wouldn't you say?

Cupcake craze to continue?

Cupcake Craze: Not Just for Kids Anymore

Cupcakes Take The Cake: Celebrity cupcake craze

Rising up to meet the cupcake craze

Sweet Success: Cupcake Craze Sweeps the Nation

Will Cupcakes Be the Next Krispy Kreme?

Its like they're the cure for cancer or something. Fuck you Martha Stewart, fuck you. This is the real reason you should be in jail.

A list

This is going to be a running list of songs I LOVE. Each one has been extremely influential in thier own unique way. I have a boring life story about them all, individually. Seriously. But screw that; no one wants to hear my innane ravings about what was happening to me at the time that these ditties were shaping me as a person. I've got lots of time as an old fogey to annoy everyone with my "stories".
Here I fucking go! In no particular order without end, Amen:

1. Elliot Smith - I didn't understand
2. Neutral Milk Hotel - King of Carrot Flowers, Part 1
3. The Melvins - Honeybucket
4. The Misfits - Last Caress
5. Led Zepplin - Tangerine
6. Peaches - Operate
7. Duran Duran - The Chauffeur
8. Sly and the Family Stone - Que Sera Sera
9. The Doors - Peace Frog
10. Paul Simon - 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
11. Martha and the Muffins - Echo Beach
12. Dusty Springfield - Son of a Preacherman
13. Dolly Parton - Jolene
14. Tammy Wynette and Earnest Tubb - Who's Gonna Take Your Garbage out
15. The Who - Pictures of Lily
16. The Kinks - Lola
17. The Stooges - Search and Destroy
18. Stevie Wonder - Superstition
19. Stevie Wonder - Stay Gold
20. The Hollies - We're Through
21. The Beatles - Blackbird
22. The Clash - Train in Vain
23. The Faces - Ooh La La
24. Bronski Beat - Smalltown Boy
25. The Rolling Stones - Poison Ivy (version 1)
26. The Rolling Stones - Monkey man
27. Desomond Decker - The Israelites
28. The Buzzcocks - Orgasm Addict
29. The Monks - Nice Legs Shame About Her Face
30. Toots and the Maytals - Pressure Drop
31. Ziggy Stardust/David Bowie - Life on Mars
32. Cass McCoombs - I Went to the Hospital
33. Major Lance - Um,Um, Um, Um, Um, Um
32. Queen -Under Pressure
34. CCR - Fortunate Son
35. Bill Withers - Lovely Day
36. Bill Withers - Ain't no Sunshine
37. Aretha Franklin - I Never Loved A Man The Way I Loved you
38. Cheap Trick - I Want You to Want Me
39. Otis Redding - These Arms of Mine
40. Peggy Lee - Fever
41. Singing Nun - Dominique
42. CCR - Run Through The Jungle
43. Etta james - At Last
44. Spinal Tap - Big Bottom
45. Al Green - Love and Happiness
46. Cat Power - Sea of Love
47. Leslie and the Lys - How We Go Out
48. Alison Krauss - I'll Fly Away
49. Cypress Hill - Hits from the Bong
50. Beastie Boys - Eggman
52. Mark Mothersbaugh - Ping Island/Lightning Strike Rescue
53. Ratatat - Montanita
54. Yves Montand - Rue St. Vincent
55. Cat Stevens - The Wind
56. James Taylor - Mexico
57. Uilab - St. Elmo's Fire
58. Supersystem - Revolution Summer
59. B52's - 52 Girls
60. ELO - Xanadu
61. ABBA - Lay All Your Love On Me
62. Eric B. and Rakim - Juice
63. Van Halen - Hot For Teacher
64. The Stranglers - Golden Brown
65. Television - Marquee Moon
66. The Vapors - Turning Japanese
67. KISS - She
68. David Bowie - Look Back In Anger
69. Echo and the Bunnymen - Bring on the Dancing Horses
70. The Smiths - Bigmouth Strikes Again
71. Nick Gilder - Hot Child in the City
72. Joy Divison - Love Will Tear Us Apart
73. Modern English - Melt With You
74. Goldfrapp - Hairy Trees
75. Blondie - Sunday Girl
76. Flock of Seagulls - Space Age Love Song
77. Roxy Music - Over You
78. Tommy James & The Shondells - Crimson and Clover
79. David Bowie - Ashes to Ashes
80. Nazareth - Love Hurts
81. Queen - Radio Ga Ga
82. Ramones - Shes the One
83. The Cure - Pictures of You
84. Elvis Costello - Alison
85. Patti Smith - Dancing Barefoot
86. N.W.A. - Fuck the Police
87. Thin Lizzy - Jail Break
88. Motorhead - Ace of Spades
89. Black Sabbath - Paranoid
90. Journey - Dont Stop Believing
91. The Dead Boys - Sonic Reducer
92. The Jam - Pretty Green
93. The English Beat - Cant Get Used to Losing You
94. Swayzak - State of Grace
95. The Pixies - Velouria
96. Neko Case - I wish I Was the Moon
97. PJ Harvey - You Said Something
98. Radiohead - Talk Show Host
99. Outkast - Bombs Over Baghdad
100. Blackalicious- Alphabet Aerobics
101. Hot Chip - Colors
102. Bat for Lashes - What's a Girl To Do?
103. Amon Tobin - Sordid
104. The Cranes - Beautiful Friend
105. Tom Waits - Russian Dance
106. Beck - Black Tambourine
107. Goldfrapp - Strict Machine
108. Gus Gus - Believe
109. The Postal Service - Brand New Colony
110. Talking Heads - This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)
111. Weezer - Only in Dreams
112. Donna Summer - I Feel Love
113. Otis & Carla - Tramp
114. The Byrds - I'll Feel a Whole Lot Better
115. The Rolling Stones - Angie
116. Them - Gloria
117. Moog Cookbook - Cat Scratch Fever (cover)
118. Soul Asylum - Sexual Healing (cover)
119. Coco Rosie - Noah's Ark
120. Luna - Bonnie and Clyde (cover)
121. Andrew W.K. - She is Beautiful
122. Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
123. Cobras - Restless
124. Amy Winehouse - He Can Only Hold Her
125. Bjork - Army of Me
126. Fever Ray - When I grow Up
127. Dj Rolando/Aztec Mystic - Knights of the Jaguar
128. Damero - Passage to Silence
129. Isolee - Beau Mot Plage
130. Jeff Mills - Theme from 2000
131. Outkast - Hey ya!
132. K-OS - Man I Used To Be
133. AC/DC - Whole Lotta Rosie
134. Public Enemy - Fight the Power
135. Nirvana - In Bloom
136. The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
137. Van Morrison - Into the Mystic
138. Ray Charles - Georgia on My Mind
139. Beach Boys - God Only Knows
140. Jimi Hendrix - Hey Joe
141. Jimi Hendrix - Little Wing
142. Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees
143. Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
144. The Kinks - Nothing In This World Can Stop Me Worrin' Bout That Girl
145. My Bloody Valentine - When You Sleep
146. Ravonettes - Breaking into Cars

Uncanny

Ok, I was just innocently googling The Gruesomes from The Flintstones. Remember?

Dont ask.
Anyhoo, it started this whole tangential fucking thing involving cartoons/muppets/people that look alike. Who the hell is brill enough to make this shit their job? It all started with these two:



Then I found this place that does them FULL TIME and its like, Holy Shit, Get Out of my Brain!!!!





Remember The Dark Crystal? I was apeshit for that movie as a kid. I used to wander around the house all hunched over in my Dad's bathrobe and be all, "Hmmmmmmmmm, Skeksis! Gelflings!"



My contribution to the Dark Crystal theme is this:


Paula Abdul TOTALLY looks like a Gelfling.





And then it just snowballed into stuff like, WTF???:










and then just ended with not so scary stuff like:












And last but not least, one for the hardcore nerds to get nerdy with:



WHOA! (eh, nerds? pretty good!)

TTYL