Monday, May 25, 2009

Movies about snakes are stupid

I call bullshit on movies about giant snakes. They're just stupid.
I submit the following examples:

Two words: Tara Reid. nuff said.



The only way the above could possibly be any worse is in a senario like: giant snake versus a washed up LA rapper and a delusional pop diva/actress (whose performance in other screen jems like Gili were the stuff nightmares are made of).
Its also stars Jon Voight, Owen Wilson and Eric Stoltz. Wow! Its like watching an actor's professional life explode before your very eyes! AND its a SERIES. A FUCKING SERIES ABOUT GIANT SNAKES! WHAT???!!!
P.S. They just made a 4th one!


Uh ok. If it wasnt already gay enough for you, this one is about a giant, ancient ice snake. Laying in wait. Christ.


OOOOOHHHH, look! Its the battle royale of the worst CGI ever.
GET READY TO RUMBLE. Wrestlemania fans can BLOW ME.


Yeah. ok, already. We get it. THEY WERE A GIANT MAN MADE MISTAKE.
A bit preachy, no?


Just released to video - directly!
Luke Perry! Tom Beringer! All I can do with this one is just laugh my ass off.
I bet these guys are drunk in a bar right now bawling about how shitty this movie is and the fucking pathetic state of their careers.


And...the piece de resistance:


Whatever shred of cred Samuel L. had, he flushed down the crapper with this piece of shit. Arguably, it was already long gone, but this is the clincher. No amount of yelling MOTHERFUCKER at everyone is going to save him now.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Cupcake? Fuck off, already.



Seriously, can everyone just calm down? Its just a fucking cupcake! I dont have anything against cupcakes as a legit dessert option; they're kinda nice at a birthday party, but for fuckssakes! DO WE NEED WHOLE STORES DEVOTED TO THEM? What are they, a religion or something? Lets just get this shit under control people. I'm serious. Its a cupcake. Its not the best thing since sliced bread. I mean, look at these bloody headlines! A bit overboard wouldn't you say?

Cupcake craze to continue?

Cupcake Craze: Not Just for Kids Anymore

Cupcakes Take The Cake: Celebrity cupcake craze

Rising up to meet the cupcake craze

Sweet Success: Cupcake Craze Sweeps the Nation

Will Cupcakes Be the Next Krispy Kreme?

Its like they're the cure for cancer or something. Fuck you Martha Stewart, fuck you. This is the real reason you should be in jail.

Friday, May 8, 2009

A list

This is going to be a running list of songs I LOVE. Each one has been extremely influential in thier own unique way. I have a boring life story about them all, individually. Seriously. But screw that; no one wants to hear my innane ravings about what was happening to me at the time that these ditties were shaping me as a person. I've got lots of time as an old fogey to annoy everyone with my "stories".
Here I fucking go! In no particular order without end, Amen:

1. Elliot Smith - I didn't understand
2. Neutral Milk Hotel - King of Carrot Flowers, Part 1
3. The Melvins - Honeybucket
4. The Misfits - Last Caress
5. Led Zepplin - Tangerine
6. Peaches - Operate
7. Duran Duran - The Chauffeur
8. Sly and the Family Stone - Que Sera Sera
9. The Doors - Peace Frog
10. Paul Simon - 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
11. Martha and the Muffins - Echo Beach
12. Dusty Springfield - Son of a Preacherman
13. Dolly Parton - Jolene
14. Tammy Wynette and Earnest Tubb - Who's Gonna Take Your Garbage out
15. The Who - Pictures of Lily
16. The Kinks - Lola
17. The Stooges - Search and Destroy
18. Stevie Wonder - Superstition
19. Stevie Wonder - Stay Gold
20. The Hollies - We're Through
21. The Beatles - Blackbird
22. The Clash - Train in Vain
23. The Faces - Ooh La La
24. Bronski Beat - Smalltown Boy
25. The Rolling Stones - Poison Ivy (version 1)
26. The Rolling Stones - Monkey man
27. Desomond Decker - The Israelites
28. The Buzzcocks - Orgasm Addict
29. The Monks - Nice Legs Shame About Her Face
30. Toots and the Maytals - Pressure Drop
31. Ziggy Stardust/David Bowie - Life on Mars
32. Cass McCoombs - I Went to the Hospital
33. Major Lance - Um,Um, Um, Um, Um, Um
32. Queen -Under Pressure
34. CCR - Fortunate Son
35. Bill Withers - Lovely Day
36. Bill Withers - Ain't no Sunshine
37. Aretha Franklin - I Never Loved A Man The Way I Loved you
38. Cheap Trick - I Want You to Want Me
39. Otis Redding - These Arms of Mine
40. Peggy Lee - Fever
41. Singing Nun - Dominique
42. CCR - Run Through The Jungle
43. Etta james - At Last
44. Spinal Tap - Big Bottom
45. Al Green - Love and Happiness
46. Cat Power - Sea of Love
47. Leslie and the Lys - How We Go Out
48. Alison Krauss - I'll Fly Away
49. Cypress Hill - Hits from the Bong
50. Beastie Boys - Eggman
52. Mark Mothersbaugh - Ping Island/Lightning Strike Rescue
53. Ratatat - Montanita
54. Yves Montand - Rue St. Vincent
55. Cat Stevens - The Wind
56. James Taylor - Mexico
57. Uilab - St. Elmo's Fire
58. Supersystem - Revolution Summer
59. B52's - 52 Girls
60. ELO - Xanadu
61. ABBA - Lay All Your Love On Me
62. Eric B. and Rakim - Juice
63. Van Halen - Hot For Teacher
64. The Stranglers - Golden Brown
65. Television - Marquee Moon
66. The Vapors - Turning Japanese
67. KISS - She
68. David Bowie - Look Back In Anger
69. Echo and the Bunnymen - Bring on the Dancing Horses
70. The Smiths - Bigmouth Strikes Again
71. Nick Gilder - Hot Child in the City
72. Joy Divison - Love Will Tear Us Apart
73. Modern English - Melt With You
74. Goldfrapp - Hairy Trees
75. Blondie - Sunday Girl
76. Flock of Seagulls - Space Age Love Song
77. Roxy Music - Over You
78. Tommy James & The Shondells - Crimson and Clover
79. David Bowie - Ashes to Ashes
80. Nazareth - Love Hurts
81. Queen - Radio Ga Ga
82. Ramones - Shes the One
83. The Cure - Pictures of You
84. Elvis Costello - Alison
85. Patti Smith - Dancing Barefoot
86. N.W.A. - Fuck the Police
87. Thin Lizzy - Jail Break
88. Motorhead - Ace of Spades
89. Black Sabbath - Paranoid
90. Journey - Dont Stop Believing
91. The Dead Boys - Sonic Reducer
92. The Jam - Pretty Green
93. The English Beat - Cant Get Used to Losing You
94. Swayzak - State of Grace
95. The Pixies - Velouria
96. Neko Case - I wish I Was the Moon
97. PJ Harvey - You Said Something
98. Radiohead - Talk Show Host
99. Outkast - Bombs Over Baghdad
100. Blackalicious- Alphabet Aerobics
101. Hot Chip - Colors
102. Bat for Lashes - What's a Girl To Do?
103. Amon Tobin - Sordid
104. The Cranes - Beautiful Friend
105. Tom Waits - Russian Dance
106. Beck - Black Tambourine
107. Goldfrapp - Strict Machine
108. Gus Gus - Believe
109. The Postal Service - Brand New Colony
110. Talking Heads - This Must Be the Place (Naive Melody)
111. Weezer - Only in Dreams
112. Donna Summer - I Feel Love
113. Otis & Carla - Tramp
114. The Byrds - I'll Feel a Whole Lot Better
115. The Rolling Stones - Angie
116. Them - Gloria
117. Moog Cookbook - Cat Scratch Fever (cover)
118. Soul Asylum - Sexual Healing (cover)
119. Coco Rosie - Noah's Ark
120. Luna - Bonnie and Clyde (cover)
121. Andrew W.K. - She is Beautiful
122. Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart
123. Cobras - Restless
124. Amy Winehouse - He Can Only Hold Her
125. Bjork - Army of Me
126. Fever Ray - When I grow Up
127. Dj Rolando/Aztec Mystic - Knights of the Jaguar
128. Damero - Passage to Silence
129. Isolee - Beau Mot Plage
130. Jeff Mills - Theme from 2000
131. Outkast - Hey ya!
132. K-OS - Man I Used To Be
133. AC/DC - Whole Lotta Rosie
134. Public Enemy - Fight the Power
135. Nirvana - In Bloom
136. The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
137. Van Morrison - Into the Mystic
138. Ray Charles - Georgia on My Mind
139. Beach Boys - God Only Knows
140. Jimi Hendrix - Hey Joe
141. Jimi Hendrix - Little Wing
142. Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees
143. Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
144. The Kinks - Nothing In This World Can Stop Me Worrin' Bout That Girl
145. My Bloody Valentine - When You Sleep
146. Ravonettes - Breaking into Cars

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Uncanny

Ok, I was just innocently googling The Gruesomes from The Flintstones. Remember?

Dont ask.
Anyhoo, it started this whole tangential fucking thing involving cartoons/muppets/people that look alike. Who the hell is brill enough to make this shit their job? It all started with these two:



Then I found this place that does them FULL TIME and its like, Holy Shit, Get Out of my Brain!!!!





Remember The Dark Crystal? I was apeshit for that movie as a kid. I used to wander around the house all hunched over in my Dad's bathrobe and be all, "Hmmmmmmmmm, Skeksis! Gelflings!"



My contribution to the Dark Crystal theme is this:


Paula Abdul TOTALLY looks like a Gelfling.





And then it just snowballed into stuff like, WTF???:










and then just ended with not so scary stuff like:












And last but not least, one for the hardcore nerds to get nerdy with:



WHOA! (eh, nerds? pretty good!)

TTYL